Let me start by saying that if you want some answers or if you want the truth, let me just say that you can't handle the truth. Plus I don't have an answer for you, other than the one I'm going to give you in the end for some reason, because I'm a hypocrite like that.
So, to start off, my life is like a vacuum.
It sucks.
Plus, I'm not a very likable person. Everyone hates me, I've been single forever, I snort truckloads of crack, I yell, scream, and cry while holding a megaphone up to my face when I die in call of duty while the neighbors are sleeping, and I don't have a job, other than working at a video rental store. Some would SAY it's a job, but I beg to differ with their opinions.
I work at this place called "A Video Rental Store". It's a pretty crappy job, my boss, or as I like to call him, the fat, power-hungry, money-craving demon of Detroit (or, FPHMCDOD), is probably the worst person on the planet. Yes he is worse than Donald Trumpet and Barack Obam-er. Every 30 minutes, he only gives me tiny bags full of pennies and considers them my minimum wage. The MOST I make an hour is a whopping 1 buck. And I know a little bit of you are asking yourselves "Why does he still work at that place if it sucks so much?", well I'll tell you. I'm an idiot. But also, I only work there because when I'm done with all the crap my boss tells me to do for some reason, because he's not my dad, he gives me probably the best free time ever. He lets me go into the deep, dark underground catacombs of the store, into the basement with spiders, rats, and a huge jumbotron for me to watch some horribly written movies like The Captive, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and The Room! It's probably..no, it IS the only reason I still work at that dead end store.
But after two years of working there, still earning little bags of pennies because my boss is too cheap to work for and too fat to do anything for himself...wait, something just occurred to me. If my boss is too fat to do anything for himself, how was he able to build his own store??? Anyways, I'm getting off track.
After two years of throwing my life away, some weird stuff happened. First of all, my fat boss hired this new guy, I'll call him Joe, because I forgot his real name like an idiot. Joe used to be a farmer in Southern New Jersey, and got fired for cutting a cow's head off with an axe, running over a bunch of chickens with a tractor, and other stuff I'm not gonna make up. He dyed his hair blue, he has big, green, hyperrealistic eyes, and he wears a bowler hat made out of straw, he wears a monocle and some other crap that modern day deadbeats wear to get attention. The only cool thing about him is that he can belch on command...even when we DON'T command him to belch on command without commanding him to- now I'm just being dumb. Now, onto the lame story that will soon be forgotten.
But that's not one of the weird things that happened those following nine months. My boss only noticed after two weeks that someone...or someTHING..was replacing some of the store's rental movies with terrible, reversed, slowed-down, hyperrealistic Justin Bieber CDs.
He gave me some tapes and said, "I need to ask you something-" cutting him off, I said "What are these tapes for, you fatty?" not even listening to what I said, he said "Not now, I need to-" cutting him off again...let me give you a transcript.
Me: No, I've worked too long for too little! Now tell me what the tapes are for!
Fatty: No! If you heed my instructions you will earn more than bags of pennies! You will earn bags of pennies-
Me: No! Fuck you and your pennies!
Fatty: Bags of pennies AAAAAAAND...an extra penny to go with them.
Me:...you're kidding, right? You make me work my ass off just to give me tiny bags of PENNIES??? And you're not even upgrading on my salary???!!! Fuck you! Now what are the tapes for?
Fatty: Fine! I got these tapes from the big things hanging on the ceiling...whatever they're called.
Me: security cameras?
Fatty: Shut up! Anyways, I think I found out how to catch the guy messing with our DVDs all by myself! By giving the tapes to you and making you use your clever editing skills to catch him.
Me: Wait, YOU said that you were gonna do it by yourself. Why make ME watch and edit them?
Fatty: Because I have to watch my son while he does his boxing training!...with the undertaker...on TV.
Fully provoked, I grumbled at him with pure hate and hatred.
Me: UUUUUUUUUGHHH FINE...but only if you stop being so fat, fatty!
He gave me the tapes, and told me to go into the basement to put the tapes into the jumbotron and watch them.
Fatty: You have to go into the basement, put the tapes into the jumbotron, and watch them!"
So, after tripping down about two flights of stairs, I finally made it underground. I limped up to the door with the words "Unemployment room" scrawled on it with yellow spray paint.
"Sheesh..that ain't right." I said as I opened the door to the basement. I can't help it if my boss hates me, he's a fat nerd who needs to make a living outside of just hiring people and only paying the new guys PENNIES!
Irritated, I threw the tapes down, ran outside, found some ducks in a pond, grabbed one of them by the neck, ran back inside, found my fat boss sitting on a couch watching YouTube videos of guys solving rubrics cubes blindfolded, and gave the duck a hyperrealistic overhand toss at my boss (hey that rhymed), ran back downstairs, popped the tapes into this thing that makes noise when you put a tape in and starts showing people do things, and sat down on my couch to watch the tapes on the jumbotron.
I pressed the "watch tape" button, and the first thing that popped up was some kid with huge eyes, but the odd thing was that the other facial features on the face were kinda small, except the eyes.
Huh.
Maybe he was one of those clichéd anime people you see at the cons. But something was very odd...
...I DON'T WATCH ANIME O.O
The kid's house looked like a dump...maybe burned down too, but I digress.
"Hi everyone who still watches vhs tapes, I've recorded this a while ago, actually about 15 years ago. Anyways, I'll tell you my secret plan, but first, I do not want ANYONE to hear this. Everybody got that? Good, now I'm gonna-"
Pausing the tape and chucking it at the wall, I was worried that I might find out what his plan was...but then I got mad because I was curious about what his plan was, so I stopped recording myself breaking the tape, put the footage into Sony Vegas and reversed it. While that was rendering, the real tape was slowly reversing its actions and fixed itself in mid air. Little do you know that I live in a HIGHLY ADVANCED era.
"Yes!" I shouted in a clichéd victory voice, "now I can find out what his plan was!" Then I uploaded the reversed video to YouTube, put the tape in, and pressed the button.
It started where it previously stopped, and I was confused.
"-go into a video rental store and put some haunted CDs in there! There ain't no ghost in them, when I said "haunted" I meant TERRIBLE."
I was confused as to weather or not he was telling ME to do this or someone else, but I pressed on, oh wait, it is on. Never mind.
"So anyway, I'll make some tapes with the recorded footage of me trolling the place. Wish me luck!"
I wished him luck and the screen cut to a bird's eye view of the video rental store. Everything looked normal so far. The shelves were in place, my fat boss was on the floor wailing for help because he couldn't get up, and the movies were still there. That was when the kid...wearing a hyperrealistic full red body suit and a cardinal head mask, walked over to one of the shelves, took out some of those CDs, and quickly threw them like miniature frisbees at the shelves while taking the movies as replacement.
This was really weird...but I laughed at one point when he kicked my boss on his fat butt, causing him to tip over on his stomach. Then the kid ran out. Then it stopped. Then the tape ejected. Then I got up. Then I took it out. Then I stopped being repetitive like the writer of this story and took the other tapes with the one I already watched and put them into a conveniently placed furnace, and headed my way upstairs.
UPDATE: 1:15 PM
I stopped after about 20 steps due to being exhausted (and due to the lack of a decent breakfast), but I think I'll be ok. I continued walking up the steps and was out of breath when I reached the door, I opened it anyway.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT...
I opened the door and found my boss (not even wearing pants) sitting on a chair. He got up quickly, panicking, pulled up his pants and zipped them up. As he was hiding some possible evidence, he spoke, "Oh uh Bill! Uh, I didn't expect you to be done already..I thought those tapes were hours long!" My boss was obviously scared shitless as if I might have found out what his big deal was.
Me: I..didn't..watch all of them except the...what were you doing?!
Fatty: uh, nothing! Yes, absolutely nothing! I was simply doing some research!...on pants. I'm a pants researcher.
Me: ...Riiiiight. Now, as I was saying-(I stopped for a second and looked where my boss was looking. At the window conveniently placed onto the wall, as it overlooks the cellar)...why is this new window on the wall pointing towards the cellar?
Fatty: Uh, security! Jeez, you're such a dick, don't butt in! I'm not gonna just sit here and have you put your head in other people's business!
Me: ...yeah, anyways I only watched the first tape and figured everything out. You're store is being robbed. By a bird. A cardinal, that is.
Fatty: Wait...WHAT??? Are you serious???
Me: Wait, how could you- I say how could YOU not know about this? You were stuck on your fat ass screaming for help and then the bird kicked you and you fell onto your fat stomach! How did you not see him replace the movies with those cursed Justin Bieber CDs?!
Fatty: I don't know!
Me: By the way, I could not stop laughing when he kicked you and when you fell on your big floppy stomach and whined for help! Here you go, I want you to see this tape and tell me what you think is going on with this guy..because I don't want to do all that again..thinking gets me exhausted. I want you to use your big open crater made by a meteor that you call a brain, and figure all this out. If you can't achieve THAT goal, I'm gonna have to ask that you raise my salary to about..let's say, one hundred dollars an hour.
Fatty: Oh no! I better learn how to think, and fast before my days of being cheap are gone! Fine, give me that tape.
I gave him the tape, and he told me to go home because the place was closing, and went home to update my blog about this mess.
UPDATE: 7:45 PM
My boss called me and told me how scared he was about the tape. I figured he must have watched the tape. At first I thought he was scared because he wanted me to go all the way to his house and turn on his nightlight because it's "too far away", but that was not the case, however. He said that he was gonna call that new guy that was working, I'll call him Joe, and ask him what the heck was happening with the store, and if we found out that it was him, we'd turn him in to the cops for movie replacement. I thought it was a good enough plan, but then I kinda got a little depressed knowing that my boss was using every scrap of brain cell that he had in that Neanderthalian skull of his, and that he would not raise my salary. Whatever, I didn't really care what happened as long as I got paid and my boss got laid (for once in his life). I'm frickin out right now because every night I would have nightmares involving a red Cardinal getting it's head chopped off by some anime character I've never even heard of. And I would always wake up in my art studio and find a hyperrealistic drawing of that character...maybe I was sleepwalking and during that I drew the picture? Who knows? It's all a big conspiracy!!! Anyways, I gotta go, I'm gonna sleep...I'll update as soon as I can, but I'm kinda worried that this is not going to play out all that well.
UPDATE: 1:00 AM
Had another nightmare, woke up in my studio, found a drawing of the character, my boss called me, and told me that Joe was nowhere around, we're calling the police.
UPDATE: 2:00 AM
Had another nightmare, woke up in my studio, found a drawing of the character, my boss called me, and told me that Joe was nowhere around, we're calling the police.
UPDATE: 3:00 AM
Had another nightmare, woke up in my studio, found a drawing of the character, my boss called me, and told me that Joe was nowhere around, we're calling the police.
UPDATE: 4:00 AM
Had another nightmare, woke up in my studio, found a drawing of the character, my boss called me, and told me that Joe was nowhere around, we're calling the police.
UPDATE: 5:00 AM
Had ANOTHER nightmare, woke up in my studio, found a drawing of the character, my boss called me, and told me that Joe was nowhere around, we're calling the police.
UPDATE: 6:56 AM
What in the hell is happening? I woke up and saw the updates that I guess have been hacked or glitched up and kept popping up at random intervals, or maybe hours apart from each other. After about five yawns, I got into my car, drove to the video rental store, and saw that my boss was on the ground, frozen. No, literally FROZEN. I could sense this, because I could feel the chilling breeze emanating from his squirming body, and I saw the icicles dripping at a heavy rate from his nose all the way to the floor. I got out of there quickly and saw Joe standing in my way with a huge smile on his shrunken anime face. "Going somewhere? Because I don't think you've heard my new hit single, 'Fetus', a parody of Baby!" I screamed and hit him in the face, possibly shrinking his entire face in on itself with the force, but I was just glad that I gotten out of there...alive...
UPDATE: 1:00 PM
Playing Call Of Duty right now, almost forgotten of the whole thing but thankfully I didn't. My boss called me and told me to come to work, "Have you lost your mind???" I asked politely, "HAIL no I ain't going back! That place is FUCKED up, yo!" But he told me to not worry because he called the CIA, FBI, the untied states military, Ghostbusters, Santa Clause, yeah, he went completely off the charts with handling this situation. But I went anyways because even though I hated that place and said I'd never go back...I still had deep compressed emotional feelings for the place...I went there and some guys in very polished shoes, vintage looking suits and ties, and sunglasses greeted me with a nod and a teeth filled smile. I was weirded out by that, and with my face still staring at them, I went into my boss's office. He and like ten suited guys in there said at the same time "Have a seat!", so I sat down and I asked "Where's Santa Clause?", one of the guys said "Down the hall and to the left." Then I said ok and looked for him. I found him sitting on a bench, with something in his nose that I'm sure wasn't snow from a sleigh crash or something. I went back and the cop looking like a 70s freak, asked me about the movie theft, but not about the tapes, because I guess for a cop like him, he didn't want any evidence involved in the situation. I told him everything. I told him about the bird, the CDs, everything! Even about my birth. And I'm not going into great detail about THAT, thank you very much. He checked Joe's address and went there, what he saw was horrible. Thousands and thousands of cardinals with their heads chopped off and a house burnt to the ground by an unnatural force. Or maybe someone burnt it down but I'm already fucked due to the fact that even though the cops told me not to mention anything that happened in the store, I'm doing it anyways because FUCK THE POLICE! Anyways I'm gonna go to work now. My boss thinks that some anime kid that he hired is responsible for his ass being injured due to a painful kick in the ass, and the replacement of movies. He asked me to watch and edit some tapes that were somehow recorded by the guy stealing them even though no one saw him put up a camera, and even if we DID see him we would have known by now. He can't watch them himself because he's a fat fuck, so I'm gonna watch them, get a raise, catch the anime kid, end the story, and yeah...that's all, folks!